The 10,000 mile penis tour by Vespa T5: Part 3 | FEATURE

Welcome back to part three of my 16,500 km scooter tour on a Vespa T5 through Europe called (for obvious reasons) “The Penis Tour.”

In part one of the journey, I took you through several breakdowns, over 14 days of rain and storms from southern Germany. I’d covered over 4,500 km to the northernmost tip of Norway at Jacobselv and Nordkapp.

Young future adventurers enjoying Markus’ scooter at the Overland event in England part way through the tour

Part two of the tour took me through the scenic western route along the Scandinavian Fjords. After meeting some cool Scandinavian scooter clubs and then crossing Western Europe, I arrived in Oxford to present my “80 days around the world” talk at the Overland Event on Day 29. After more than 10,000 km of my trip. So far, we have traversed Germany, Denmark, Sweden, Finland, Norway, the Netherlands, Belgium, France, and England.

After spending three fabulous days of beers and rest at the Overland adventure bike event in Oxford and a quick stop at the barber shop to make myself look like a real human again, it was time to head south and catch a ferry.

Santander or bust

After four weeks of travelling, mostly in miserable weather, I decided it would be great to head into Spain for a bit of sun and dry roads. I rode down to Portsmouth, got myself some food and drinks in a local supermarket, and got onto the ridiculously expensive ferry towards Santander. The boat trip takes 36 hours, and I stayed in a sleeper seat because for a cabin, you would have to donate an organ.

Picos de Europa

Upon arrival in Santander in the early morning, I decided to head straight into one of the most beautiful mountain areas of Spain, the Picos de Europa. The weather gods were with me, and I enjoyed a lot of narrow, curvy, and steep mountain roads that led me towards the region around Leon.

They say our little scooters are bad for the environment…

Fame at last!

The T5 did not miss a beat, so I could make good miles. After the second gas refill of the day, I decided it would be time for a snack, so I stopped for some coffee and a small meal in a village. It was busy with motorbikes, and many of them were from the UK. When I parked at the coffee shop and went over to sit down, some guy from another table shouted towards me: “Hey, aren’t you that guy that went on an 80-day trip around the world on your Vespa?” That was the third time on that trip that complete strangers in foreign countries recognized me, and it is always a very awkward moment. The first time it was a follower in Sweden who approached me unplanned at a gas station. The second time were some Italian Harley riders who recognized me because their news feed was flooded with the picture of me in the Batman outfit at Nordkapp. They wanted a selfie to prove that they met me for their Italian Vespa friends, and now a group of English adventure riders who had seen posts from my presentation in Oxford. Not sure if I will ever get used to that.

Pressing engagement

A few days earlier, I had received an invitation from a friend who got very sick. He was living not far from Lisbon in Portugal and asked me to visit him. I immediately planned it into my route, knowing that we might possibly never get the chance to sit down together and have a conversation again. This meant quite a tight time frame again because I only had nine days to travel all the way down to that village in Portugal and up again to Antwerp since I already had a date with my girlfriend there, which I did not want to miss. We had already booked some guided museum visits and planned on some arts and architecture, and especially because she was so patient and generous to just allow me to vagabond through Europe alone for nearly two months, I did not want to disappoint her and be late.

530km to Salamanca

On day one in Spain, I had the pleasure to ride some of the best the peninsula has to offer and made a bit more than 530 km till I got to Salamanca, which I reached at sunset and enjoyed some good Tapas at a local bar.

Unfortunately, I had decided to stay at a small pension in the city centre. The good thing was that it was directly next to the spectacular Plaza Mayor with live music, and there was a holiday with food and drinks and a market everywhere in town. The bad thing was that there were people everywhere, and the hotel was in the middle of a pedestrian zone. I had missed out on that part. So you can picture little Markus pushing his packed scooter half a mile through crowds of people after a long day of riding. The next thing was that the little pension was on the third floor without an elevator, and I had to check in, carry all my crap up there, and afterwards leave the hotel again with the owner to push the Vespa into his private underground parking a block away because there was no safe parking near the hotel. When all was finished, I was drop-dead tired, but how often can you stumble upon a real nice fiesta in Spain? So I cleaned myself up and left the hotel again at 11 pm for a quick pint and a snack on Plaza Mayor. It was still nice and warm out there, which was bliss after all those rainy riding days up north. What a vibe! I loved it!

11,000 km – speeding down the Atlantic: Racing along Portugal’s coast

The next day, I planned to head straight towards the famous Atlantic Road on the Portuguese Coast. I grabbed a small breakfast, loaded my scooter, and left Salamanca early. First, following a lot of small country roads, I crossed the border after exactly 11,000 km into the tour and entered country number 11.

The countryside there is amazingly beautiful. After lunch, I decided I needed to roll at a higher pace if I wanted to reach my friend’s house that evening and still ride the lonely and nice route along the sea. The national road was quite fast but came with lots of uphill and downhill races against trucks, and I was a bit nervous because here in the south temperatures were high, and with the wind shadow of the trucks, you always risk seizing the motor. So, I decided to skip the big fast main route and return to the side route. It took me the entire day to reach the coast of Portugal in the late afternoon in the beautiful Figueira da Foz. I had a quick meet-and-greet with a follower of my travels but still had 150 km of country roads along the sea ahead of me. It was an exhilarating feeling to race down along those sandy beaches and dunes of the Atlantic, but it took ages. I arrived at my friend’s house very, very late, riding into the night and even “enjoying” some of Portugal’s highways at night, which turned out to be sometimes scary due to some really crazy and fast riders. The day ended after over 600 km at Johan’s house.

Precious memories are worth taking a detour for

After a nice dinner with my friend and his girl and a good breakfast, we said our farewells the next day, and I started my way towards Antwerp. With Lourinha being the most southern and the most western point of my entire tour.

On my way east, I spontaneously passed the site of the Vespa World Days 2010 in Fatima for a quick coffee and a photo of the famous Vespa monument there! 

The next night I ended up staying at a motorcycle event in Spain after a few bikers invited me to a local bar, being highly impressed by my little scooter with the German number plates, and freaked out when I said I rode there via Nordkapp. They invited me for beers and food, and we went on a torchlight ride in memory of deceased bikers together, also inviting me to stay the night in a free hostel.

The following day I was invited to a Spanish Vespa Rally, but due to the fact that it was in the north of Madrid, I was only able to stop there quickly for a snack and kept moving to find a good place to sleep further on in an old typical truck stop in Arcos de Jalon (between Madrid and Zaragoza).

Los Monegros

The following morning I prepared myself mentally for the crossing of the “Los Monegros” – a desert east of Zaragoza. It has a very bad reputation and I already had a bad experience with it during a trip in 2014. Back then, I had lost my wallet with all my paperwork and my cards and got stuck there with just 1.50€. Only with the help of many Western Union Money transfers over the next 12,000 km, I was able to finish my big tour that summer. This time history repeated itself in a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. I rode through the desert, and upon leaving it, I noticed that one of the power banks that I had in my packing net in the front carrier all the time was gone. Like in the first instance in 2014, I was not able to say whether it was lost or stolen, but nevertheless, it was gone for good! I was furious and hope to never ride there again.

Country number 12

Originally, I wanted to visit my friends from Barcelona Scooter Club on my way back north, but it would have meant a big detour late that day and another day in a big city, which I do not like because those places are always risky. I cancelled them knowing I would meet them soon for their anniversary just a few weeks later and went straight up from Zaragoza over Lleida into Oliana, where I stopped at a nice cozy campsite that day.

At this point and after over 13,000 km into my tour in country number 12, I already had a nice list of repairs and losses: My indicators had stopped working after the horn went on autopilot and eventually died to a buzz later, and only the high beam was still working. I decided to ignore those things as long as “Tamara” was starting and running and had lights.

Andorra

It took me two days to cross through Andorra. I slept behind a French truck stop with noisy wildlife, raced 1100 km on national roads avoiding highways and toll roads, and entered Paris late in the evening to avoid the Low Emission Zone and get a night picture in front of the Eiffel Tower and the Arc de Triomphe. 

I arrived at a really bad motel on the northern outskirts of Paris at 1:30 am, soaked and freezing. Entering Paris in the night with fog and rain and crazy French drivers is scary as hell, and you only realize that you crossed the city limits because of your adrenaline levels and when everybody drives like a maniac out to kill you!

The airport motel that night was filled with shady people and smelled like a mix of old soccer shoes, kebab, and cheap hooker’s perfume. A nasty place! I was hiding my scooter behind the fire entrance between trash cans. And as if “Tamara” felt insulted because of the bad treatment, she was reluctant to start the next morning. It took me several sprints with the loaded scooter in the parking lot, two changes of spark plugs, and a lot of swearing that morning for her to finally fire up. She had the bad starting problem now for several days. I came to the conclusion that it was due to bad E10 fuels in Scandinavia, the vibrations of the long tour, and worn-out seals that were part of the issue. This made the carb less tight, the filters dirty, the float needle damaged, and also the fuel tap was leaking slightly. By now, the motor was also covered in grease and dirt. Even though I had tried to do some maintenance on the tour like an oil change, filter cleaning, fresh tyres, fresh spark plugs, and such. It was slowly getting to the time for some real maintenance, and I would need some hot showers, good food, and a proper bed as well. So I was really looking forward to getting to Antwerp to see my girl for some sightseeing and a rest.

Scooter Spa: Repairs, rest, and a scooter family reunion

The next three and a half days I had the chance to meet a bunch of friendly scooterists at the scooters and coffee meeting organized by Tim. He connected me to Matyas who had a brilliant workshop and was absolutely lovely and generously helped me out with some much-needed repairs and maintenance! I received a new centre stand (mine broke two days earlier), had a fast flow fuel tap installed – which solved the carb flooding, had the entire engine cleaned up, fresh oil and spark plug put in and so on and so forth. My scooter felt like new when I left. I also got invited to stay one more night for a nice dinner in Antwerp with newly made friends.

Luxembourg

When I finally left in the direction of Luxembourg, not only the scooter but also I was well-rested and up for new adventures. I had contacted Dan Dos Santos from the Red Lions Luxembourg to go and visit them, and by coincidence, it was their season-end rideout. I was able to join for a few kilometres through the lovely hills of Luxembourg and stayed the night sleeping on the couch of their local clubhouse. They even took me for breakfast the next day and gifted me some oil to continue. The scooter family was alive and kicking. 

At that point, I had to decide where to go next, and the logical thing would have been to simply head south for one day and arrive at my house, but I decided to throw a coin. Heading east or heading south… East it was! I had an invitation from the Vespa Club Montal in the Italian Dolomites the next week, and it felt kind of pointless to go home for five days and then pack the Vespa again. I decided to head as far southeast as the next four or five days allowed to then take a swing into the Dolomites.

Feverish Adventures: Riding Through Illness

On the last days, I wanted to also visit some friends, so I started off with my buddies from VC Mainz, Tim and Kai, and shared a nice meal with their family. Unfortunately, that evening I started to feel feverish and cold. I got tested for Covid to not take a risk, and when it turned out as a bad cold, I felt relieved. The cold wet ride through France had probably pushed my immune system over the edge. Nevertheless, I already had the event the next weekend and a rough route in my head so I needed to continue.

Sightseeing and friend visits: Germany Austria, Czech Republic, and Slovenia

Budweis

I decided to slow down my pace a little and not ride such long days anymore and take some meds. 250-300 km per day on paracetamol and with a slight fever is not exactly a fun ride, but I had never given up during a tour and I did not intend to start now. I visited my buddies from VC Aschaffenburg and Bamberg the next days and was received with great hospitality. I continued further to cross into the Czech Republic, visited Plzen, and stayed a night in a tiny house near Budweis which gave the beer its name. Some amazing riding and beautiful landscapes to enjoy! I can really recommend riding the east. I continued after a bit of sightseeing straight down over the Austrian Border and first entered Linz to see a friend and then visited the VC Roadrunners Graz for some beers and pizza at their lovely clubhouse. After three days my fever was gone, and my cold became easier when I entered Slovenia to ride into Maribor and Ljubljana. The nights had become colder again, and heavy rain was back when I headed into the famous area around Kranska Gora!

Adventure riders either need to be single or have an understanding partner!

Alpine Closure: The beautiful end of a 16,500 km journey

The short 200 km in the mountains between Slovenia and all the way into southern Tyrolia were filled with fog, cold, and rain, but I had a very warm and hearty welcome from the VC Montal. They picked me up on route and went with me and my girlfriend to a nice oldtimer event and later to a beautiful mountain lodge for dinner. My Girlfriend Martina had come 250 km from my hometown in Bavaria into the Alps to spend a day with us there! With good friends, good food, and glorious sights, I was more than happy to call it the last day of my trip and a beautiful closure. All that was left the next morning was loading my gear into the car and enjoying the last 250 or so km following Martina in the Mini home with some stops for breakfast, lunch, and coffee.

But riding only half a day without luggage behind the ‘support car’ did not feel even 10 % the adventure as a normal day on a long Penis Ride!

Words and photos: Markus Andre Mayer