The 10,000 mile penis tour – Germany to Norkapp (and a lot further) by Vespa T5: Part 2 | FEATURE

In part one of my 10,000-mile Penis Tour, I took you over 4548 km through Germany, Denmark, Sweden and Finland.

I also rode along the Russian border for a while, just to wave at the border guards. Then I headed towards the northernmost tip of the European mainland: Nordkapp, Norway. 

I slept in fjords, bus stops, and beautiful little cabins. My Vespa had four minor breakdowns. My rain jacket gave up on me, and my gloves and boots as well, due to the horrible weather. You can check out Part 1 here.

The clock is ticking

Upon arrival at Nordkapp, the clock started ticking for my trip towards the Overland Event in Oxford, England. I was supposed to give a travel presentation of my 80 days around the world on a Vespa. I had 14 days to get to the channel ferry, and I was very determined to squeeze the most out of those kilometres along those breathtaking Norwegian fjords.

Expensive souvenir

But first, I went back from Nordkapp after my photoshoot there. It was 4 am, and I still needed to get a bit of sleep until check-out at 11 am. Even though I felt like I had been rolled over by a tank, I was happy that all my gear and clothes were now more or less dry after my night in the cabin 12 km from the globe.

I brewed myself an instant coffee and packed up. I wanted to get myself the sticker from the Nordkapp museum, so I rode back up there again in the storm to enter the museum for a moment. The guy at the gate told me that it would cost €30 to simply enter the site (which I did not have to pay at night, obviously). When I told him I only wanted the sticker, he was kind enough to explain that I could also get the same sticker at their souvenir shop down in Honningsvåg where all the cruise ships anchored. After rushing in and out of that bloody souvenir shop, cramped with international old people from the big ships, I rode south.

Hammerfest

Sidewinds were still strong, but fortunately, the rain got less. I kept my rain gear on because it was still really cold up there, but at least the sun was shining a bit. I was heading southeast now, passing Hammerfest. I’d read about the stunning beauty of the Lofoten Islands and wanted to explore them from Narvik to Moskenes, about 1000 kilometres on the E6 from Nordkapp.

Messin’ with my mind

I started to notice that my biorhythm was a little messed up because of the midnight sun. If you wake up in the tent at 3 am and it is exactly as bright as at 11 am, it is pretty confusing. I should have taken a blacked-out tent for the trip.

The Highlands around Alta were amazingly beautiful with a bit of sun, and the roads there seemed endless and took their toll on the tyres. After approximately 5500 km, I had to change my rear tyre, and the bloody thing simply did not want to get off the rim. Luckily, I had enough spares with me and even an extra rim. 

Day 15: Lofoten

Even though I tried to dry my stuff every few days in a hotel or cabin, my gear started to smell a bit and did not entirely dry anymore. The beautiful views of the fjords totally made up for that though. On Day 15 of my trip, I reached the northern end of Lofoten, but before I could start to explore, my clutch cable said goodbye. Luckily, a quick fix. People always overrate the number of cables you need for long-distance travel. I only had to change it once on my 80 days around the world and once on this tour.

Five seconds of fame

When I entered a gas station to have lunch and refill, I was approached by two Italian Harley riders who asked for a selfie with me. Quite an awkward situation. They said my picture as Batman at Nordkapp flooded their newsfeed on Facebook, even though they weren’t followers. They wanted to send a picture of proof to their Vespa friends in Italy that they’d met me. Five seconds of fame? Hahaha.

Lofoten Islands

Lofoten was definitely one of the highlights of my tour if not THE highlight. The islands are stunning, with views around every single bend. It seems like the Nordic gods that designed them were motorcycle or scooter friends.

On one of the fjords, I encountered a pirate ship in the middle of the fjord, and just five minutes later, in search of a gas station, I stumbled upon the creator of that ship. He was a retired mechanic who not only built himself a fully functional Spanish galley but also had some amazing hot rods (one even with a wheelie bar and 1050 hp). He also had a fake gas station and fake diner in his front yard. Crazy Norwegians seem to have too much time during those hard winters.

After enjoying all 200+ kilometres of stunning curves and bends, Caribbean-style beaches, and dreamy villages, I arrived in Moskenes shortly before 10 pm. Luckily, the way towards the campsite passes the ferry terminal, and there would be a boat leaving the same night.

Room for a little one

Some of the staff informed me there was still space for a Vespa onboard. I used the 4-hour ferry trip to rest a bit and skipped a night camping. Upon arrival, I felt it would be a great idea to just ride along a fjord at sunrise without sleep and with AC DC playing in my ear. Turned out that this was a silly plan. I enjoyed the views along the fjord a bit too much and nearly crashed into a group of 4 elks. Afterwards, I was awake at least. It was time for a strong coffee. 

The Arctic Circle

I arrived at the Arctic Circle near Mo I Rana way too early in the morning with loads of adrenaline from seeing herds of reindeer, waterfalls, and icy mountaintops. After an hour of waiting, sleep caught up on me. I simply laid down next to my scooter in front of the Arctic Circle centre and was woken by some tourists walking around me two hours later.

Here’s Jonny

Ove Jonny – a friendly scooterist from Mo I Rana contacted me and invited me to his place for dinner and also offered me a bed to stay for the night. He even came halfway up that mountain to pick me up – well, we could not miss each other because Vespas are a rather rare sight up there. He not only invited me to stay at his place, but his daughter also did my laundry. Then they took me out onto the fjord in a nice motorboat, and he helped me to finally get the stuck tyre off the rim.

Vespa Cowboys Trondheim

This would not be the last amazing act of hospitality in Norway. While riding some of the most beautiful scenery in the world, I got invited to stay with Ronny from Vespa Cowboys Trondheim. I also met the VC Trondheim for dinner, in spite of floods and pouring rain. I also got two small vodka bottles gifted by German bikers who were impressed by my tour when I first met them at the Arctic Circle. This time they found me at the famous Atlantic Road (which is a total tourist trap).

Wet and Molde

I had a meet and greet with some scooterboys in Molde and continued heading south after getting a company tour at a big light manufacturer. Unfortunately, upon arrival at the Trollstigen – one of the most famous passes in Norway – it was raining cats and dogs. I had to fight my way up there with very little visibility and scared tourists stopping randomly because of heavy rain.

Parental Advisory: If you do not appreciate fjords that look like they were painted by Bob Ross, or if you are scared of high bridges with heavy winds and long dark tunnels and thousands of curves – then do not ride to Norway! At some point, I also lost count of the many short ferry rides I had to take along the beautiful Norwegian west coast. 

In Bergen, I also met three very friendly scooterists, Stian, Wilhelm (pictured) and Orian. They not only invited me to their house but also let me generously use their scooter garage for some necessary maintenance on my tyres and back brake. They also sponsored me some oil.

E10 issues

I noticed slight problems caused by the E10 fuel mostly sold in Scandinavia, which unfortunately attacks the floater needle and the seals of the scooter. On some cold and wet days, ‘Tamara’, the T5, got flooded and did not really like to fire up nicely. Just 15 kilometres out of Stavanger, I realised that the floater of my fuel gauge got stuck and showed me full all the time. Well, I noticed when I rode off the ferry and with 200 cars behind me ran out of fuel in the middle of a very narrow road – the truckers loved me! After I pushed my scooter to the next parking place and realised that I hadn’t seized up but only had to put some fresh fuel in from my gas can.

Day 22 Stavanger

I arrived safe and sound after 7700 km on day 22 at Storhaug Scooter Club Stavanger. Their President Wyn received me with a big part of the club, and to my big surprise, after a few good beers, made me ‘Member of Honour’. Wow.

Kicking back in the garage

The next morning after a good night’s sleep in the clubhouse, a rich breakfast and with a slight hangover, I kept riding towards Kristiansand. I’d been invited there by a group of scooterists. Whilst there I recorded a video podcast about my trip so far with Rob from Kickback Garage (see video above), and he treated me with lovely waffles and hot coffee!

Bumpy ride to Oslo

The ride to Oslo the following day proved to be a real challenge. My kickstart gave up on me, it was toothless and so on every single stop I had to push start the scooter or roll it down a hill to get it running. Heavy rains also left big parts of the area flooded. The members of Restless SC from Oslo had to do 1.5 hours of detours to avoid seriously flooded areas to meet me.

It was just a few kilometres out of town at the house of Stein Overland. He was nice enough to offer me shelter and a nice new kickstart for my trusty but rusty Tamara. On the way there, I nearly crashed twice because of silly drivers and had to look for shelter from the rain once again. Another interesting day.

Day 24: Denmark

On day 24 of my trip, I arrived back in Denmark on a ferry from Gothenburg – which proved to be much less windy the second time around. In the morning, after I packed the tent away, I realised I had three days and 1300 kilometres till I reached the ferry port in Calais.

The weather gods are with me for nearly half the way, and I sleep in some fields and in a small national park near Eindhoven. Somewhere on the way, my indicators also stopped working – probably due to the same reason my horn went off in part one. Luckily by now it was only a small buzzing noise after it got tired. With my tight schedule, I was racing through northern Germany, the Netherlands and Belgium. Just upon arrival on the French border the heavy rain was back. 

Heading to England

The ferry to Dover was very busy and the controls, because of Brexit, were very slow. Some officials were trying to make a point of showing that they were understaffed. I arrived in Dover just after sunset in a drizzle of rain and fog. First of all I had to get used to the ‘wrong side of the road’ and the high speeds some people drive in the UK.

At night with only a left-side mirror on the M25 can be a bit tricky for a small German guy on a stock 125 T5. With some rain and fog and the unusual driving, it took me more than 4.5 hours to finally arrive in Oxford at the Overland Event. It was around half past midnight and I was received with some cold beers and some crisps by the lovely Saul and Paddy!

I was glad to have a riding pause for the next three days. I could put my scooter into the exhibition of the bike show and get some rest. Then I got to present my adventures around the world the next day in front of an adventurous audience of bikers!

Coming up in part 3…

On the first 27 days of my tour, I took you through nine countries and over a distance of 10,243 km. Stay tuned for another 6300 km and eight countries in Part 3.

Words and photos: Markus Andre Mayer